Post Dedication: To my mom, Karen Fink. You’ll be my mom in this lifetime and the next. Lucky you:)
My name is Matt, from TalkAboutHealth and I’ve been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now. I actually wrote 6 full pages the other night and deleted it all, simply because it didn’t feel right. But I now know what I want to convey to you all. This Mother’s day I’d like to celebrate the memory of Rose, pictured above. She was my mom’s best friend and my second mom.
Rose was a shorter woman, tiny build, skinny, beautiful straight black hair, and signature bangs. In her time on this earth, she had two daughters of her own, but also inherited thousands of other children whilst working as a kindergarten and first grade teacher in the suburbs of Pittsburgh, PA. In addition to her lesson plans, she taught the foundation of humanity and kindness to her students, all of whom today carry the aura of Rose with them.
She didn’t desire the millionaire job or the millionaire husband. She wanted much more… a better school and a better community. A lesson I need to remind myself of daily, because I tend to get so caught up in the grandiose end result that I forget the powerful catalyst effect of the small things, like having someone hold the door, or having someone throw extra avocado on my sandwich. As we age it’s like we become numb to the brevity of the small. Yet the small things are much more controllable than the vastness and complexity of the future end result. If you focus solely on the destination, the path will always seem daunting.
And that’s what our society has become focused on, the end game. It’s ingrained in us, we can’t help it. For example, if you want to learn a new language, you could think to yourself. “I want to know French in 2 years”. Then you think “Oh gee, that’s far away, I’m too old, I won’t have the time to keep up with it, I won’t ever be able to actually understand it, I won’t ever be fluent, Why put in all that work to not be fluent in something? 2 years? That’s almost 2 seasons of American Idol away!” You start to doubt yourself before you’ve even taken the first small step. But if you click 4 buttons and pay $20, you can download the Pimseleur French Audio CD and already be taking your first lesson. Think to yourself “The Future ME can worry about being fluent, today I will learn how to say Hello. Bonjour me.”
Rose did the small things, and that’s the main reason I label her as my second mom. She sent texts on holidays, good wishes on my first day of college, made me countless chipped ham sandwiches in the summer, drove me to school when I missed the school bus, and bestowed an enormous amount of positivity and praise to anything I did in school, sports, and work. She even visited me with her daughters when I was across the country in LA. All of the small things she did for me have only ever been matched by my own mom, Karen. The small things that made my days better than they would have been.
In Rose’s memory I say to the TalkAboutHealth users, make this day the day you do something small. Today is the day your mindfulness will hit a high and you’ll be 100% present in what you are doing. Be amazed by something you typically regard as insignificant. I implore everyone to do something SMALL for the sake of something BIG. Whether it’s finding new ingredients in the store aisle to try healthier cooking, buying the audio set to learn a new language, sitting at the piano and learning a song you don’t know, or taking a lesson on YouTube to learn how to play the piano in the first place :). Do something that you normally wouldn’t do because you could come up with 10 great reasons not to, and finally break that inertia of doubt. Your health starts with your mind, body, and energy. So you, too, should start there.
Knowledge is power so I also invite you all to contribute freely and honestly to TalkAboutHealth. Even if you post the thought: “Blah”. You’ll be surprised to see what kind of response and conversation you might strike up. That first step is yours. To all moms past, present, and future remember that we were all once a first bath, a first bottle, and a first diaper change.
You’re reborn every day you open your eyes. What will you set in motion today?
Happy Mother’s Day. AllesGutezumMuttertag.
I read an unusual poem recently that presented hope as a double-edged sword. The poet empathized with those who choose to surrender to the fight with cancer; yet their loved ones aren’t ready for them to quit. The poet implored: why must patients bear the burden of a “last hope” laid upon them by loved ones, while enduring ineffectual treatments?
Reading those words reminded me of a doctor I heard about during a visit to the Center for Palliative and Supportive Care at University of Alabama Birmingham. The doctor was known for giving his patients every possible treatment option, including “you can choose to do nothing.” I admired that doctor’s courage in presenting a much less talked about option.
As I continued reading through the poem, I struggled with the concept of hope being presented as a detriment—much like the label of “false hope.” I don’t believe in “false hope” anymore than I believe in “last hope.” Hope doesn’t end with a disease process or with losing a loved one. Conversely, I believe that hope doesn’t end; it is what carries us through such painful times. Hope propels us to go on despite our circumstances.
When we refuse to accept that a loved one chooses to surrender the fight, we are clinging to fear…not hope. Guilt is another binding force; it teases our mind with “what if?” What if the treatment works this time? Yet, we must remember that empathy is tied to dignity. When you empathize with someone you don’t make choices for them—you listen and give them the dignity to choose—even when it doesn’t match what you (or the doctors) think is best.
I have found a new sense of peace and hope; it comes to me through the eyes of children. There is no double-edge sword in the way they view hope. A child’s ability to experience hope isn’t based on what the future might hold, or on the “what if’s.” It is based on the day to day journey with a loved one. Their perception of hope comes in snapshot moments. Adults, however, typically perceive situations based on life experiences and respond based on that baggage.
A child’s view of hope—and life itself—is quite a blessing worth considering. When I wrote the Little Pink Book™ “When Mom’s Cancer Doesn’t Go Away” for my sweet cousin, my heart felt exceedingly heavy for her teen-aged son. To convey hope inside the most painful point of their lives, I knew that empathy and dignity had to be intricately tied together. Through sparks of hope and snapshot moments, I filled their story with treasured lasts, sweet good-byes and eternal hope.
To me, there is no “last hope” or “false hope” in the book of life. When we live with hope and let go with hope, Huge Outcomes are Possible Everyday—that is HOPE!
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
It’s the eve of my 51st birthday and I want to embrace that number with a passion. A passion to remember that every single day is a gift. A passion to remember that life comes with blessings and lessons. A passion to remember that life is richer when I embrace both, seeing them as necessary parts of growing older and wiser.
As an inspirational speaker, I’m keenly aware that my words have impact. That awareness is magnified in my writing endeavors. Knowing that my words can be read over and over comes with enormous responsibility. It’s not about how much I say, it’s about what I say. The simplest of messages can be profound, planting seeds for years to come. My wish is that my words will deliver lasting hope into people’s lives. Blessings are easier to see when there’s hope—even in the midst of the most difficult circumstances.
My words also serve as lessons in my own life. Reflecting on what I’ve said is an opportunity to see things more clearly. Mistakes are a part of life; I can choose to see the lessons or I can choose to ignore them. When my children were young, I often told them: you can squeeze the toothpaste out of a tube, but you can’t put it back in—at least not very easily. Our words are likely that, whether spoken or written. When we look at lessons as part of growing older and wiser, we’re led to think more, give more, and love more. Then we’re not living with regrets; we’re simply learning to squeeze the toothpaste more gently!
As I begin another year, I feel richer from my blessings and smarter from my lessons. I’m passionate about celebrating my birthday every year, the bigger the number the more reason to celebrate! I’m immensely grateful for the greatest gift of all—life.
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
When cancer steps back into your life it can send you down a heart-wrenching emotional path. Feelings of anger, confusion, frustration and sadness collide inside your head like the noise of a child banging on pots and pans. Sooner or later though, your mind settles on the reality of the situation. Then hope can get a grip on you.
I’m a firm believer in pity parties. To find hope we sometimes first have to get through a pity party—and often more than one. It’s seems like “party” is a misnomer because crying and withdrawing doesn’t feel like a party at all. Yet, when we allow ourselves to go through it, something cathartic happens—glimmers of hope begin to emerge. A wise friend once said to me, “we can’t always choose what we go through, but we can always choose how we go through it.” That’s the essence of allowing hope to have its grip on you and your struggle.
Through my own struggles and walking beside others, I’ve learned a lot about hope. That hope has been magnified by some amazing people in my path. One friend beat Lymphoma after being told he had a ten percent chance; he’s now a 3-year survivor. At last year’s Young Survival Coalition, I met a number of women diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, attending as one-month to five-year survivors.
I prayed alongside others for a woman who was in the battle for the third time, twice with breast cancer, then esophageal cancer. She was told that her prognosis was “very poor.” She’s now more than a year outside the battle and mentoring others newly diagnosed. Her unwavering faith is apparent in her words: “you must be willing to focus on the small miracles, not the darkness.” Then recently, I was honored to meet another woman of unwavering faith. She’s a young mother (and breast cancer survivor) with four children; and now she’s facing stage 4 lung cancer. She boldly claimed total healing before treatment began.
Some would read those stories and say, “that sounds great, but that’s not the case for everyone.” Sadly, that’s true. One might gain a month, another a year or some ten years and more—yet, they’re grateful for every moment. The commonality that I see is their choice about how they go through their struggle. Dwelling on the diagnosis could have resulted in hopelessness. Instead, they all chose to dwell on hope and surround themselves with those who did the same.
Perhaps pity parties should be timed, much like when you give a child time-out. Cancer is a reason to get really mad and time-outs are part of the grief process. There’s a time to pout and there’s a time to shout. Pity parties ought to be followed by praise parties where the focus is on the small miracles, rather than the darkness.
I’d love to see “stage” redefined for patients, as literally: a period or step in a process. That definition infers that you’re going up and forward; now those are hopeful words! After all, isn’t that the reason for treatment, to help patients and their families move on with life again? When hope gets a grip, there’s no telling what will happen—even if cancer steps into your life again.
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
Three years ago today, I was standing in my kitchen preparing our holiday menu. That was the day my best friend, Vicki, called to tell me she’d been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ll never forget how I gasped for air as she simultaneously gasped for words. All she could muster was, “I have cancer. I want to tell my 2nd graders, but I don’t want to scare them.” I gained enough composure to tell her that I’d find the perfect book to help the 2nd graders in her classroom, and that I’d be there for her anytime day or night.
Today, my friend called me again with a cancer diagnosis. This time, however, she was standing in my shoes. Her best friend since childhood received the news today: “you have breast cancer.” As I heard her mirror my feelings of three years ago, that overwhelming air-sucking feeling came over me again. Vicki was painfully confused as she mentally moved from survivor to co-survivor. She hadn’t seen it coming and yet, without any preemptive news flash, cancer had invaded her life again.
At first, I wanted to shout “NO.” I wanted to get mad, really mad at cancer! I wanted to make it go away—I hate cancer revisiting my friend’s life in this way. Within moments of our conversation, I again realized that I have no power to erase cancer. Yet, I do have Hope, and I can ease the pain it creates. I can advocate so that others understand cancer’s impact. I can embrace the children walking alongside adults with cancer—just like when I wrote the book my friend needed for her 2nd graders. I can be a messenger of Hope.
Just yesterday, I booked a plane ticket for Nashville. My purpose was to attend a special outreach for cancer patients next week. I now realize that outreach will be an overflowing vessel of Hope for another outreach. As I pour it out to cancer patients, I will be filled with renewed Hope. That’s the beautiful contagious nature of Hope; as you pour it out, more pours in.
I will visit my best friend and pour renewed Hope into her heart to be magnified for her friend who’s now facing the battle. It’s no coincidence that my outreach event is scheduled less than an hour from Vicki. I believe it is all part of God’s plan to remind me that Huge Outcomes are Possible Everyday—that is the power of H.O.P.E. It can outshine anything, even cancer.
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
In October’s post, I likened my advocacy journey to the classic story, The Little Engine That Could.” I smile just to think of that book’s mantra, encouraging generations of readers with, “I think I can, I think I can!” Recently though, another version of that story has been running through my mind. What if the engine car or the caboose weren’t up to the job? If either one ran out of steam, that Little Engine That Could suddenly becomes vulnerable; it might even derail.
Isn’t that a striking analogy to our lives, our health, and our general state of well being? If we don’t stay on track by taking care of ourselves, we become vulnerable to fatigue, illness or even death. Other times, in traveling the “healthy track,” we’re suddenly derailed by something that comes out of nowhere—such as cancer.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been coping with bouts of vertigo. Thankfully, it’s slowly dissipating, and it’s brought some bold and needed reminders to me. Have you noticed that there are messages (even wisdom) tucked inside the challenges we face? When I look back on my schedule over the last two months, I see how out of balance my life had become. Some obligations couldn’t be easily changed, while others should have been carefully re-examined. I’m usually careful to monitor and protect myself from overdoing it. I know that without steam for myself, I’m no good to anyone else. That reminder comes every time I fly: “put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then help the person next to you.” Perhaps, I should have flown to all my October events—I needed that reminder to maintain balance!
Maintaining balance, prioritizing, knowing your limits, and preserving steam for the long-haul, are invaluable health-tips. We’ve all heard them, in some form or fashion, at one time or another. Yet, in our zealous mantra of “I think I can, I think I can,” we can easily forget those tips, and lose our sense of balance.
Our bodies function as connected parts of a whole being. When disease or illness takes away any part—or threatens to take away—it prompts us to re-examine our lives and our priorities. This month, I want to encourage you to watch for the signs along the way. Respect what it takes to stay on a healthy track. Listen for the quiet messages that say, “I’m out of balance.” My heart is still attune to the mantra of “I think I can, I think I can;” but I’m also back in tune with my body. My heart and my body are working together again, along with God’s perfect gift of wisdom.
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
I remember reading The Little Engine That Could to my children and watching their faces delight over the story’s prevailing hopeful message: “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can….so I can!” Attitude can either be the biggest part of the battle, or the key to rising above the battle. That little book, first published in 1930, has continued to infect millions of children, and adults, with an attitude of don’t give up, no matter what!
Life’s ups and downs can feel much like the rolling train in that story—an uncertain journey where attitude is key. We don’t always get to choose where we go, but we do get to choose how we respond to the journey. Such is the theme of The Little Engine That Could; and that’s been the template for sharing the message of The Little Pink Book that could. After I wrote When Your Teacher Has Cancer, a few early reviewers said that my audience was too limited, and that I’d have to change some things—-like take “prayer” and “God” out.
So, I spent some time researching. Did you know that there are approximately 98, 936 public & private schools; 78 million parents; 38,000 libraries in the United States alone? I’d say that’s beyond a “limited audience” and it didn’t stop there. That Little Pink Book that could led me to create five more titles, embark on 19 book tours in 21 months, and prompt outreach in 16 countries—in classrooms and beyond. “Prayer” and “God” remain, inside every Little Pink Book amongst other helpful healing tools.
Sometimes, we don’t understand our own potential until a catalyst interjects. When my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, I resolved to make a difference with hope. That marked the beginning of a Little Pink Book that could. My determination grew as I shared more hope, wrote more books, and believed more in my potential. Becoming a children’s author and speaker came naturally in the sense that I felt led to do it; yet it was a departure from my career in psychological testing and research. In moments of doubt, I tell myself, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!” When logic says no, I think of my “survivor” best friend, two family members who are winning the battle, and all my heroes in cancer battles who encourage my path. My heroes have taught me that although my mantra may begin with I think I can, my attitude is the key to knowing I can! I can make a difference with hope!
Last week, with community support my graphic artist and I held 2nd annual events with Starbucks and Buffalo Wild Wings, plus a new event: “Taste of Wellness.” My translator flew in to speak at our new event. Dr. Amaryllis Sánchez’ (Dr. Mari) message of hope in celebrating her mother’s life stolen away by breast cancer, was tied to Mother Teresa’s words: “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love…”I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things.”
Dr. Mari’s message was a poignant reminder that we must not let our preconceived limits steer the course. Collective gifts, unified in great love, make all the difference. That’s the definition of community, during October and beyond. Inside life’s toughest journeys, we must learn to trust in that small still voice: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Never give up!
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
Ann Fonfa (Annie Appleseed) shares her thoughts on what to do if your doctor says not to complementary treatments. Interview by Elyn Jacobs (http://elynjacobs.blogspot.com/)
Hearing the word hero, often conjures up images of a military service member, a movie super star, or a comic hero like Superman. For me, the word hero has gained new meaning over the last twenty months. Writing and advocating about some of life’s toughest journeys such as cancer, deployments and Alzheimer’s, has given me the privilege of meeting ordinary heroes making an extraordinary difference.
Vicki is my best-friend-forever hero. She’s one of those people who didn’t simply choose a career; she adopted it into her fiber—teaching is her life calling. She makes an extraordinary difference in children’s lives. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer her first concern was the children in her classroom. My first Little Pink Book was created to bring understanding to her 2nd grade “ducklings,” so that they could be helpful partners in their teacher’s healing journey—alongside their unsung hero (and mine).
One of my youngest heroes is Sebastian. He watched his Mother fight invasive breast cancer, while internalizing her exemplary faith and courage despite the clouded prognosis. Then as his Mom was rising above the fight, my young hero was diagnosed with Leukemia. Being with them has taught me that no matter what the circumstances, faith has wings to carry you—they fly on those wings with hopeful attitudes that light up a room. When I’m with them, I’m truly in the company of unsung heroes.
Another hero in my life is Tina, also a breast cancer survivor. She gave me the privilege of singing her song by providing her chemotherapy journals during my writing of When Your Mom Has Cancer. I’ve labeled an upcoming workshop “The Pink Voice.” I thought of Tina when I named that workshop because she allowed me to, in essence, be her pink voice. Whether you’ve fought cancer or fought cancer alongside a loved one, your voice of hope makes an extraordinary difference for others.
My oldest hero is June, a grandmother fighting Alzheimer’s disease. I contacted her husband Bob for an endorsement of my book, When Mom’s Cancer Doesn’t Go Away. That request opened a channel to shine hope inside another of life’s toughest journeys: Alzheimer’s. Over the past year, Bob and I have worked together to create a book that celebrates the child-grandparent bond, even as disease is robbing prized memories.
My work with Bob Deits has meant the opportunity to return a gift. Sixteen years ago, I read Bob’s book, Life After Loss. At the time, I was facing losses that seemed insurmountable. His book gave me hope and courage—he became one of my unsung heroes. This month we’ll release press copies of that collaborative work, hoping to make an extraordinary difference in ordinary lives of unsung heroes facing Alzheimer’s.
Who are your unsung heroes? You might know a military service member that deserves to be a “sung hero;” in my life his name is Willis. However, chances are, your unsung heroes aren’t movie super stars or comic heroes like Superman. They’re ordinary people making an extraordinary difference. They’re unsung heroes touching our lives with hope, faith and love.
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
Have you experienced a warm, supportive relationship with a doctor who took care of you in the past, or is taking care of you now? The keyword in that question is “relationship,” suggesting that you and your physician are together in a difficult time. Over the years, many patients have shared with me the somewhat startling at first, but ultimately healing experience they have had with me. The startling part comes from encountering a doctor who wants to create a loving, safe place for patients to become aware of their own healing potential…to be a full partner in the journey. Instead of feeling intimidated by me, patients have been able to relax and be their unique selves. And, just to underline my intent to create an equal partnership I let patients know they could call me Bernie!
While your doctor brings crucial knowledge and experience to bear on the healing process, he or she must also help you reach within to find the strength that comes from a better understanding and acceptance of the real you. Healing can happen when both partners—doctor and patient—acknowledge the emotional basis of relationships and neither are afraid to express, without judgment, the caring support that nurtures us all. Relationships are not about the individuals involved, but rather the relationship and work all those involved must do to make it work.
One of my patients told me that when choosing a doctor she would ask the doctor, “Do you believe in me?” I suggest that you ask that same question of a doctor you are expecting to work with on your journey of healing. Also ask if the doctor is ever criticized by patients, nurses and family. The good ones say yes because they are willing to learn from their mistakes and critics. If you are open and sincere when you first talk to a doctor but feel no response, find another doctor. Remember, the partnership is an equal one. It can be one of the most rewarding relationships in your life, going far beyond successfully fighting a disease or keeping you healthy. It can validate your unique self as one who understands what we are all here for—to love one another. Remember doctors need hugs too.
Post by Bernie Siegel, MD and author. Bernie is a featured medical professional on TalkAboutHealth. You can learn more about him and his books on his web site.
Ann Fonfa (“Annie Appleseed”) shares her thoughts on “What is evidence based medicine?” Interview by Elyn Jacobs from It’s a Strong Tree That Withstands a Hurricane.
A breast cancer survivor told me, “I have permanent Pink eye!” We laughed as we shared countless stories of pink clothes, pink pens, pink shoes, pink household items, pink paper and Little Pink Books! I understood exactly what Jennifer meant when she shared her pink eye. Pink serves a wellness reminder of every survivor who beat cancer…and a reminder of those whose lives were stolen away too soon.
As I drove home from my first book signing event back in December 2009, the sun was disappearing under the horizon. Never before had I seen a completely Pink skyline; it was as if it was created just for me. I felt like I’d received a kiss from God that day. Brilliant and inspirational evidences of Pink continue to be put in my path, even Pink erasers.
I discovered a really big Pink eraser while shopping for other things. It caught my eye. First because it was PINK, second because it was BIG and third because it had a message written across its face: “For BIG Mistakes.” I grinned from ear to ear, and put it in my shopping basket. I planned to pass it on as a gift, for my teacher friend who was preparing her second grade classroom for her “little ducklings.”
As I passed that big Pink eraser forward, its message continued to dance around in my head. How many of us grieve over BIG mistakes, when we should simply erase them from our minds—isn’t that what “grace” is all about? Then I thought about fear. Fear can have such a tight grip that it’s paralyzing. Fear is one of the greatest deterrents to learning, growing and healing. Hope is the ultimate eraser for fear. Hope moves us forward, even in the midst of grief. With hope we experience a natural thirst to learn, grow and heal.
I’ll be sharing that big Pink eraser for a long time to come. Even though I passed it forward, its tangible message will remain with me. Thinking big—I wish that big pink eraser could erase breast cancer. Then every Pink item would be a messenger for “cure” rather than “fight.” That is a profoundly hopeful message!
Maryann Makekau, Author & Inspirational Speaker (www.becausehopematters.com)
Ann Fonfa (“Annie Appleseed”) shares her thoughts on Alternative Medicine in the US. Interview by Elyn Jacobs from It’s a Strong Tree That Withstands a Hurricane.
If you have a beloved pet, or more than one, in your household, I can tell you with confidence that you and your family are healthier for it. Let me share with you some of the discoveries about The Healing Power of Pets from Dr. Karen Allen at the University of New York, Buffalo, who has done some excellent work in this area herself. More in a bit on Dr. Allen’s work.
I have seen firsthand the profound effects animals can have on our health. When pets are around us, our body chemistry actually changes. The levels of the stress hormone cortisol go down, immune function improves, and serotonin and oxytocin levels increase. These are the same hormones that are elevated in a woman after giving birth that promote bonding with her new baby.
Dr. Allen’s studies on the effects of pets on their owner’s blood pressure are impressive. In a study where people were asked to do a task like a math problem in the presence of a best (human) friend, a spouse, or a pet, it came as no surprise to me that blood pressure rose significantly with a human companion present, but either rose a very tiny bit or not at all when their pet was the only observer.
The presence of a nonjudgmental living being like a pet soothes us and lets us feel in a gentle way the powerful self-acceptance that I believe is essential to living a happy, healthy life. As I have said before, and will again, animals have an incredible ability to be completely there and completely devoted. How many of us can say that we are totally devoted to someone else’s well-being? Animals are, and we respond to that unconditional love because it feeds our souls.
Twelve months after a heart attack the mortality rate in homes with a dog was 5%, and in homes with no dog, 26%. So get a pet and when in doubt ask yourself WWLD? Or What Would Lassie Do?
Post by Bernie Siegel, MD and author. Bernie is a featured medical professional on TalkAboutHealth. You can learn more about him and his books on his web site.
Ann Fonfa (Annie Appleseed) shares her thoughts on how patients can decide what alternative treatments are best for them. Interview by Elyn Jacobs from It’s a Strong Tree That Withstands a Hurricane.
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